It seems that the only time I post a blog entry it’s either to explain why I haven’t been writing and posting more, or it’s to write out this plan of how I’m going to try to write more. Guess which version of blog entry this is going to be?
So I haven’t been writing too much lately. I have started a lot of little stories but I’ve ended up hating them all. Even the last ones that I’ve recently posted came off, at least in my mind, as lackluster efforts. I feel like I need to do something to push myself to a higher level.
I think what I distaste most of all about my writing is the lack of emotional connection. When it comes to it, I can write about the mechanics of a sexual encounter fairly well. I can set that scene as a transcript of the erotic film that’s running in my mind at the time. But just like a porno…I feel like there is a lack of connection and emotion that is sorely missing from my writing and it’s really pissing me off.
The thing is I’ve come to realize that it’s me that is the problem. Not me as in the way I write or how I write, but me the author as a person. I have been disconnected from my own emotional well and I’ve only recently come to realize this.
You see I recently met someone and she’s sort of reawakened all of those dormant feelings within me. It’s like she and I have walked into the breaker room of my emotional being and she’s started flipping switches into the “on” position. Suddenly I feel everything.
It’s been both terrifying and exhilarating. I feel that same angst and anxiousness that fills us all as teenagers. I feel the fear and dread of worry as the thought of losing this connection with her terrifies me. Simultaneously with all that worry comes this feeling of peace and absolute calm when I’m around her. It boggles my mind. I’m tremendously excited to see her any chance I get and I don’t understand it. I’m usually level headed. I’m usually calm and collected. I’m usually a relatively emotionless automaton though and it’s as if I’ve suddenly been filled to the top and sprung leaks.
I need to tap into these feelings. I need to investigate them, meditate on them, probe them. I need to understand how I could be so lost to one person so easily.
I don’t know if this is a good thing or a bad thing. It’s been a long time since I’ve felt this much anxiety and excitement over any one person and it’s really thrown me for a loop.
Anyway, that’s enough babbling for now. I feel a little better for sharing this, so thanks for listening.