In my life I’ve had the pleasure of kissing some wonderful people, but I’ve also had the displeasure of kissing some wonderful people that were atrocious kissers.
Some of the very worst are the misinformed who believe in their head and in their hearts that they are actually great kissers. Some have actually told me how they get told they’re a great kisser. I’m sorry dear, but those people were drunk, stupid, or lying their face off. I would equate it with parents never telling their tone deaf child that they shouldn’t be trying out for American Idol. Only it’s just not as funny.
A kiss seals the deal. A good kiss can be the marker that determines how viable a newborn relationship can be. A bad kiss, is utterly awkward and sticks in your brain like an inoperable tumor.
Hollywood, especially movies from the 1950’s -1980’s would have you believe that the more you mash your face into your partner the more passion and love you have for them. Have you ever done this? If so…shame on you. It’s horrible. Don’t take your face and push it into your partners, that’s just rude and wrong. Think about when you were younger. When you were at that age where it started to be gross when relatives kissed you on the lips. Remember that? Remember how it felt? Remember how gramps or grandma would grab your face and just plant a sloppy wet one on your lips. Hey, they’re old and haven’t come to terms with you growing up. But what’s your excuse?
I can say these things, and I can be this judgmental because I, in fact, am an amazing kisser. I don’t need to be told it. I know it innately. So let me help you.
A kiss, a good kiss, has a certain structure about it. There is the invitation, the reply, the conversation, and the conclusion. All good kisses have these parts and if you want to be a better kisser you have to learn to master them.
The invitation is the start of the kiss. You’ve locked eyes with your partner. There is an electricity bouncing between you. You get closer to one another, closer, and then you stop. This is the invitation. It is an essential part. It builds the anticipation. It increases the sensitivity, the excitement, the power of the kiss that is to come. The invitation sets the mood for the kiss, so get it right. Go slowly, inch forward to the point were you can feel the heat of your partners skin. You can sense their breath (which is hopefully good..please brush, floss and rinse…seriously…even if you’re a master kisser…if you have horrid coffee breath…go away). There is a bit of a game here, to see who can hold out longer. Don’t panic, you want that. Even if you lose every time. Even if you stink at this waiting game, you must try to hold out. The invitation is all about anticipation and you can’t build that if you go for the goal right out of the gate. So someone will lose this game, but both will win.
Whomever has lost the waiting game has the joy of getting the reply. This is where you find out if your partner is as into your kiss as you are. Once your lips touch the anticipation you built up will scatter through you like a buzz of electricity. The invitation has been accepted. Now we move on to the conversation.
The conversation of the kiss is the bulk of any kiss. It’s the part that most bad kissers that think they’re good, totally blow. The conversation is just that. It’s talking with your body instead of your mouth, although I guess in this case you are using your mouth so perhaps I misspoke. Again, think about any good conversation you’ve had. What does it entail? It requires mutual interest. It requires understanding and respect of others opinions. It requires a give and take of ideas by each individual expressing themselves while the other individual is receiving them. This is exactly what you need to do in the conversation portion of the kiss.
It’s about give and take, understanding and expression. The push and pull of each of you. No one likes a loud mouth who doesn’t let anyone else talk, so why would you like someone who’s dictating all aspects of the kiss? A good conversation is all about balance. You don’t want to be mashing your face together, you don’t want to be thrusting your tongue down their throat, you don’t want to be biting their lip too hard. You balance your need and wants with your partners needs and wants. If you want to use your tongue do so sparingly. Don’t jam it in there like some alien anal probe. It should be exploratory and tender, like a blind man searching for a needle in a pile of toothpicks.
The best part of the conversation portion of the kiss is that it’s the time where a kiss is no longer just about the lips and mouth. This is your opportunity to use your hands, to use your body, and to explore one another without having to get the least bit naked. And if you want to be a great kisser, this is where you’ll need to excel.
It’s important to know your partner, what they like, dislike, and can’t live without. There are some spots, however, that are nearly universal. These are the tender areas that never get touched by soft lips or a teasing tongue and yet are filled with nerve endings that want that attention so badly. The ears, the neck, and the scalp. You want to get at them all.
Gentle nibbling on the ears is always a crowd pleaser, but don’t just limit yourself to the ear lobe. The back of the ear, where it meets the head, is quite sensitive. Try running your finger lightly down the back of your ear with your eyes closed. Got a little tingly didn’t it. Yes well if you can get there with your lips or tongue, you’ll be a winner. Some people like having the inner part of the ear teased with a gentle tongue, but that’s not for everyone.
The neck is very important. While kissing running your hand across, down, or over the neck can cause some delightful shivers. If your partner likes it when you take charge you can use both hands on each side of the neck while you’re kissing. This is generally better if your thumbs are pointed up over the jawline, just in front of your partners ears. If they’re not there, then they’ll be under the jawline…and that’s not tenderly caressing…that’s choking…a whole other matter. If your hands are in the right spot you’ll naturally cup the back of your partners head. On most people where the hairline stops on the neck, where neck becomes scalp, it’s sensitive and will also get a good shiver.
The scalp is generally over looked but it definitely has it’s moments. If you’ve ever had a good shampooing done by a hairstylist you’ll know that it feels amazing. I’m not suggesting that you try to massage your partners scalp while you kiss, but running your hands through their hair is generally a pretty good thing to do.
The conclusion isn’t a final as it sounds. The conclusion can be anytime that the conversation is interrupted or stopped to do something else or to break off the kiss completely. The conclusion is much like the invitation but in reverse. Don’t just break the kiss and stop. Pull away very slowly like trying to get one of those price tag stickers off a cheap Christmas gift you’re giving. Slow and steady let the conversation dwindle away calmly. If this is the final conclusion, eye contact is an absolute must. You want to stare straight into them, like your gaze could pierce their soul. While you’re locked eyes you send all the good thoughts you have about your partner. How they make you feel. How attractive they are to you. How much you want to see them naked and spasming in a puddle of sweat and ecstasy. All of those thoughts will come through in your body language and will let your partner know how much they mean to you.
If this isn’t the final conclusion, you’ve probably moved on to kiss and nibble an ear, or kiss their neck, or perhaps stare at them as you run your hands over their body. Well good for you…you’re doing well…and when you’re ready…start the conversation all over again.
There is a radio show in Canada called “Definitely Not the Opera” (DNTO for short) hosted by an alluring and intelligent beauty named Sook-Yin Lee. The DNTO team actually have done their own episode back in 2010 about kissing, and breaking up.
It’s a fantastic show, and clearly much better than what I’ve written. If you liked my post at all, you’ll like this even more. (with permission from Sook-Yin Lee herself….which…was pretty awesome to receive)